Productive day

Wow. I can't believe how productive I was today at work. I got a major code rewrite started and finished for my monitoring app all before noon. And that was after arriving at 10:30 because of class. I had portioned off the entire day for that project.

Then, a whole bunch of other stuff happened all at once. I finished like 4 other projects. I even made it to 3 full hour long meetings in the afternoon.

And I have a group meeting tonight for our Thermo final project. I think we have a pretty good handle on it and have made a lot of headway. How much does a headway? Eight pounds if you ask the right little kid. Tom Cruise can tell you that.

My appreciation for this new Sara Groves album has led me to listen to some of her older stuff. I've posted these lyrics before:

Sara Groves - You Cannot Lose my Love
You will lose your baby teeth
At times you'll lose your faith in me
You will lose a lot of things
But you cannot lose my love

You may lose your appetite
Your guiding sense of wrong and right
You may lose your will to fight
But you cannot lose my love

You will lose your confidence
In times of trial your common sense
You may lose your innocence
But you cannot lose my love

Many things can be misplaced
Your very memories be erased
No matter what the time or space
You cannot lose my love

You cannot lose
You cannot lose
You cannot lose my love

Sara Groves wrote this when she had her first child. I can't understand the song from that perspective, only when I think of myself as the child.

You may lose your innocence, but you cannot lose my love.

Entry posted by byscuits at 05:04 PM | Comments (2)

Like a Skin

Sara Groves - Like a Skin
The butterfly can just look back
Flap those wings and say Oh, yeah
I never have to be a worm again

The snake gets tired of being him
He wriggles from that itchy skin
Leaves it lying where heÕs been and moves on

IÕve been longing for something tangible
Some kind of proof that thereÕs been change in me

Feels like I have been waking up
Only to fight with the same old stuff
Change is slow and it fills me with such doubt
Come on New Man where have you been
Help me wriggle from this Self IÕm in
And leave it like a skin upon the ground

This song reminds me of a poem I wrote a couple of weeks ago. This last stanza, Feels like I have been waking up, only to fight with the same old stuff, hit home pretty hard when I first listened to this song.

Change is slow and it fills me with such doubt. Sometime so slow it makes you wonder if there has been any real change at all. I can't believe how long and how hard it is to really change at the core.

IÕve been longing for something tangible, some kind of proof that thereÕs been change in me. I think it's okay to want some proof of change. Proof that this fight has not been for nothing. Proof of hope.

Thankfully, God has given me a small bit of that. Reiterated His promises that the His hurt is for good, not for evil. That the value is in the process, not just the product. I hate putting it like that now, it's so cliche in my head. Maybe this: there is good in the fight.

---

We have been given a week and a half to begin and finish our final project in Thermo. We have to create a needle-less system for delivering a vaccine into the bloodstream powered by a CO₂ cartridge. That's right, we get a week and a half to do this. Oh, and they won't give us an official project statement. Nothing. "We want to keep it very open-ended. You guys are free to be creative!" What a crock. Let me rephrase what they said, "We are too lazy to organize this class well. You guys are free to have no direction and spend more time than is reasonable on this project!" You listening Cravalho, Mats, and Derya? Huh? Get your act together. Run a class.

Guess it's not so bad, and I have to get over the frustration and just get the work done the best I can. I always like group projects, and they always bring up my grade. So that's good. It will actually be fun, too.

Test and a paper due next week in Electronics. Then finals the next week. One Monday afternoon, one Tuesday morning. At least they're over quickly. Pray for me if that's your kind of thing. For strength and diligence. I can lack both pretty heavily at times.

Love and peace. - Vash the Stampede

Entry posted by byscuits at 12:00 PM | Comments (4)

I'm gonna go find Job.

Matthew 4
⁸Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. ⁹"All this I will give you," he said, "if you will bow down and worship me."

During this time of temptation in the desert, Satan offered Jesus all the kingdoms of the world. I was reminded of this passage last night, and started thinking about it much more today. Before when I read this passage, I always thought of Jesus answering immediately with his rebuke of Satan, refusing the proposal. But I think, perhaps, Jesus actually considered what Satan was offering. From a certain perspective, it was all that he wanted. And the cost seemed small. Perhaps 15 seconds of bowing at the feet of Satan would give him the kingdoms of the world - the very thing He came to redeem. Maybe He would not have to die on the cross. Maybe this way would work, too. I think that Jesus did not have a knee-jerk response to these temptations, but I think He really pondered the offer. He looked at everything that was put before Him, and after really thinking about it, He found it empty. This was even during one of the physically weakest times of His life, after fasting for 40 days. Even in this state, He found the cost more than He would give. He instead chose the hard road, the road of pain and suffering, so that we might be redeemed. So that I might be redeemed. So that when I am tempted by Satan and offered everything I think I might really want in life, I can look it in the face, call on God for strength, and then flatly refuse. Not because I have not truly considered, but precisely because I have. It is His grace that gives me this power.

Still listening to the new Sara Groves album -

Sara Groves - What I thought I Wanted
Tuxedo in the closet, gold band in a box
Two days from the altar she went and called the whole thing off
What he thought he wanted, what he got instead
Leaves him broken yet grateful

I passed understanding a long, long time ago
And the simple home of systems and answers we all know
What I thought I wanted, what I got instead
Leaves me broken, somehow peaceful

I keep wanting You to be fair
But thatÕs not what You said
I want certain answers to these prayers
But thatÕs not what You said

When I get to heaven IÕm gonna go find Job
I want to ask a few hard questions, I want to know what he knows
About what it is he wanted and what he got instead
How to be broken and faithful

I think it is time for me to move past trying to form a system of understanding and answers. My mind craves them - to make a nice set of neat truths. They just never quite get it. I just never quite get it. But that's the way it's supposed to be.

Broken and faithful. Broken yet grateful.

Entry posted by byscuits at 12:19 PM | Comments (1)

The Other Side of Something

I have been listening to the new album by Sara Groves called The Other Side of Something. Her first two albums are very moving, and this new one is more of the same. There is something honest, sad, and hopeful in her lyrics - a combination I especially appreciate. My favorite song right now is Jeremiah. I am having a hard time choosing just a few of the stanzas, so I'll just include the whole thing.

Sara Groves - Jeremiah
Jeremiah tell me about the fire
That burns up in your bones
I want to know
I want to know more now
The burning of ambition and desire
It never could come close
To that fire

I was looking to myself
And I forgot the power of God
I was standing with a sparkler in my hand
While I stood so proud and so profound
You came a burned this whole place down
Now that's a fire

I was caught up in this vice
And its power to entice
I was dwelling on my hopelessness and doubt
With the slightest invitation
You came with total detination
Now that's a fire

I was warming my hands by this little light of mine
but now I know it's time
to come in from the cold
Fight fire with fire, fan the flame
come stir these coals in my soul, in my soul
till it burns out of control

I like the imagery of fire, and how we can be satisfied with "this little light of mine" - the tiny sparkler in our hands.

Grace is such a hard thing to understand and accept. It's so completely unfair. I deserve consequences for so many of my actions. A couple of those actions honestly deserve death. Why does God not judge me where I stand? Maybe then I could do something to make myself righteous. Maybe then I could pay for what I had done. It would at least then be fair. But if I could do that - if I could pay for every misdeed - I would have only created a righteousness for myself. I would only be self-righteous.

Grace is something I do not deserve. Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery, "Neither do I condemn you." But that was not all. He then told her, "Go and sin no more." That's not a random order. He first told her that He did not condemn her. Her actions would have no price exacted from them. She deserved death, but Jesus told her she would not need to die. Because He was going to for her. It's the only reason He had a right to. It was that very grace that allows us to be able to go and sin no more.

When we are rooted in that grace that Jesus offers, then we can become more than we are. We can become more than the desires of our flesh. Consumed by the fire that He longs to put in our hearts.

Burn me alive.

Entry posted by byscuits at 10:19 PM | Comments (0)

Mixed Test Results

I got both of my tests back from last week, and they were backwards from what I was expecting. I actually did better on this Electronics test than my first two test, but I barely passed the Thermo test (luckily, it was actually hard to flunk...). Looks like I might have shot my chances for a B in Thermo right out of a cannon. Luckily, we have a group project coming up in that class, so I might be able to make up some of the grade. The good thing is that it is a group project, but that is also the bad part. I need to find three other partners, and I don't know anyone in the class but the teaching staff. I just emailed the TA's to see if they can help.

On the upside, when I went to pick up my Electronics test today, I stuck around the professor's office for a while just talking and asking questions. He took some time to go over what I missed on the test, and was really nice about the whole thing. We are covering digital to analog and analog to digital circuits right now, so it was really cool. I got to ask him about sensors on digital cameras and how they worked a bit more. We also talked about digital encoding of music.

I also sent my advisor an email about working with him for my senior thesis, which I want to start soon. Maybe he will meet with me, and I can start researching possible projects. I would really like to find a good one. Would be really cool to go to school full time next semester and dive into my thesis.

I am also thinking about taking two Harvard classes, since it would be a little silly of me not to take advantage. I have heard a couple of good suggestions, but unfortunately forgot to write them down. One of them is a class comparing Sigmund Freud and CS Lewis, as I understand they were contemporaries. It would be a really cool class, but I suspect a decent amount of work. Also considering a photography or writing class. I would really enjoy either of them.

I had a thought this morning: I am like a thirsty freshwater fish. I spend my whole life swimming around lakes and rivers looking for the one thing I am surrounded by. And all I have to do is take a drink. So I went and registered the domain thirstyfish.org. I like byscuits.com just fine, but I especially like the picture of me as a thirsty fish.

Thanks for your prayers. It has made a difference.

Entry posted by byscuits at 04:14 PM | Comments (2)

Kill Bill.

I went to a late showing of Kill Bill Volume 2 this past Saturday in Harvard Square. I was mildly impressed with Volume 1, so wasn't expecting much. But I was quite surprised with how good the second half of this work turned out to be. It was so different from anything I have ever seen on film, but in a very good way. It is quite violent and bloody, but not nearly so much as the first film. I recommend seeing it. If you want to go sometime, let me know. I'm sure I would be up for it. Also on my list of movies to watch a second time in the theaters - Eternal Sunshine.

I get my tests back most likely tomorrow for Thermo and Electronics. I'll let you guys know how I did - I am not expecting much.

Hope you guys are doing well. Drop me a line sometime. If any of you are looking for a nice place to vacation, I hear Boston is particularly nice in the Spring.

Entry posted by byscuits at 04:09 PM | Comments (1)

I think

I think I passed my test yesterday afternoon. Solutions still aren't posted, so I won't know till Monday, most likely.

One more test today at 7:30pm. Pray for strength and focus. Now I'm off to study.

Still not there yet, but I feel more like myself than I did yesterday. So that's progress.

Entry posted by byscuits at 03:28 PM | Comments (1)

test week

It's test week again. Electronics tomorrow at 1 pm. Thermo Thursday at 7:30 pm. If you're the type, your prayers are appreciated. Heck, even if you aren't, I would appreciate 'em. I'll let you guys know how they turn out later this week. I didn't really get much work done last week, so Electronics in particular should be nasty. I should be fine on Thermo.

Someone once said they were a bit surprised at how candid I can be on my blog. That I chose some pretty personal stuff to write about. Well, I can assure you, the really personal stuff does not get published online. :)

Entry posted by byscuits at 03:19 PM | Comments (0)

Beginning again.

I really could not hold a coherant thought at all last week, but I am beginning to be able to make sense of some things. Sermons by Tim Keller have been really helpful for me, so I will share some of what I have heard.

Over the past two weeks, I have seen a bit more of my character deep down. Sometimes until a situation arises, you really don't know how you will react. I have been looking to understand more about the idea of temperance, or self-control. Last week at Park Street, Danny Harrell preached on just that subject. But it left me without a clear sense of how self-control is attained. Tonight a friend directed me to a Tim Keller sermon on the same subject. I really like his style of preaching, and feel he did a really good job taking the issue apart and providing hope.

The verses used were out of 1 Corinthians 9:23-27 and 10:11-13:

I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings. Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

These things happened to them as examples and were written down as warnings for us, on whom the fulfillment of the ages has come. So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Basically, the idea is that self-control is not something that can be attained by directly trying to get it. In reality, what we are looking for is not the control of the self, but a coherance of the self. We have a number of passions and desires in ourselves, and when these get out of order, we see a lack of self-control. We desire some things too much, and others too little. When these desires get out of order, we lose coherance of self.

But what does a life look like that is self-controlled? What do desires look like that are in their proper order? What is this prize Paul speaks of?

When we are first and foremost captivated by Christ and not by things of this world, everthing subordinates to that one passion. We become outward directed towards others. The joy in Christ from our own life overflows so much that we want others to share that joy. It is an act of worship. Tim Keller says, "Self-control is a by-product of wanting others to enjoy God."

The means to self-control is worship.

It is a slow walk getting there. I will mess up along the way, but as I grow in my faith, the amount of time I choose to wallow and stay down will grow less and less. I will be able to put things in their proper order because Christ put it in order. When He lived a perfect life and sacrificed it, He gave me the means by which to walk in grace. To walk knowing I am deeply messed up, but wanting Jesus more than I want to cling to my brokenness.

When it comes down to it, the only thing I have is Christ. He is the only one that will never fail me, that is always there for me. And it is times like right now where I see my need for Him most. Praise Him for that. Praise Him that in my brokenness and weakness He is shown strong.

Praise Him.

Entry posted by byscuits at 02:01 AM | Comments (1)

Blogging Pause

I have no worthwhile thoughts right now. I think until I do, I shall hold back considerably on the blogging.

Proverbs 10:19.

Entry posted by byscuits at 11:18 AM | Comments (2)

April Fool

Is it just me, or do almost all internet news sources just become annoying on April Fool's Day? I mean every single story is a joke. This was funny when the internet was new, but now is just childish and silly. Plus I can't get any good geek news... Bah.

Last night I was reading through some of my really old blog entries (ones that aren't even posted here) from a couple of years ago. It was interesting going back and psychoanalyzing myself a bit. In 15 years, it will be even more interesting to see a snapshot of myself and where I was when I was 25.

I cannot believe how tired I have been this week. I think I just need to sleep in until like 2 pm on Saturday.

The comments on my entry an odd dream are getting rather odd all by themselves. Today's word is "fetid."

Entry posted by byscuits at 11:43 AM | Comments (1)