the blog stops here?

so after some thought and a very little prayer, ive decided that my public blogging days are coming to an end. theyre just entirely too personal, and so thats that. while i do enjoy people being able to keep up on what is going on in my life, i do not feel that my blog in its current form does that adequately. perhaps i will, at some point, begin a blog again, perhaps with some specific focus. i just do not feel that online is the best place to publish my very personal thoughts. the poetry will remain, and more will be added as time goes on.

my flight was cancelled tomorrow, so i wont be flying out of st louis till at least 2 pm. ive got to be up in 5.5 hours, so its time for sleep. good night to you all, and see you sometime soon.

byscuits.

note: after this blog entry, i took a break for several months and began an entirely new blog. i have decided to re-add all of the old entries. not sure exactly why.

Entry posted by byscuits at 02:09 AM | Comments (1)

republic, mo

i got back last night from visiting my 7.5 month old nephew in republic, missouri. got to spend a few days with him, and it was really cool. he is starting to walk now, and learning how to fall properly as well. when i get back to boston, ill start posting some pictures from the trip.

i wrote an entry last night when i first got back, but for the first time since keeping this blog, thought better of posting it. and so it remains unpublished.

waterdeep lyrics always seem to get to me. they hit me just where i need it:

I am haunted by my love for comparison
My fascination with a single common theme
And I am haunted by the fear that I might be losing it
Slipping from reality into dream

In the mornings when I pray, I've often come to You with dreams
Little bits of power that I can't comprehend
And sometimes I can keep my eyes unclosed for long enough
To see the blowing of a distant steady Wind

The distance doesn't take too long for You to cover it
And when You reach me, You just blow these things apart
You clear the crowd that's gathered 'round the crisis of my soul
And whisper to my suffocating heart

Entry posted by byscuits at 01:09 PM | Comments (0)

home

i am back home in carl junction as we speak. i fixed my parents computer so they could get online, so now they can read this blog all they want. :)

i was reading an old email i sent to someone. it was pretty personal, but this part stuck out to me:

about the end of last semester, i had an amazing date with a girl that was great enough to base the next 4 months of a relationship on. i didnt Know her. when i did, i knew she wasnt the one. so it ended. i took a chance that maybe this girl could be Someone. it was the right risk to take, and i would do it again. life is all about risks. honestly, one of the things i liked most was just how much she liked me, and how i could care for her. you know, its really nice to be liked. for someone to want to walk up behind you, and grab on to your hand. to want to hold it. it fills something. a hole in my heart.

but there is no doubt she was not the one. i did some stupid things, and played
the fool. i was ready to give my birthright for a bowl of porridge. i Understand Solomon and his father David a bit better now. i Understand how a woman can be the downfall of a man.

so there it is. it was written at somewhere around 4am in the morning, and it captures my conclusions about my one past relationship pretty well.

this is the type of thing i wish other people understood without having to make the same mistakes i did. selling your birthright is a terrible thing, with some very long term consequenses. i barely managed to keep mine.

so i ask you this question: what lessons in life have you learned the hard way? which ones do you wish other people Knew and Understood? feel free to comment anonymously, and share freely.

Entry posted by byscuits at 07:38 PM | Comments (1)

jefferson city

well, im here visiting my brother and his wife. i leave in about 30 minutes to drive to cj, and still need to pack. i might be able to still check email off and on, so feel free to drop me a line. and i have my cell phone with me too, 617/821.6053.

a friend of mine doesnt really like the saying "okay see you" for when parting, saying it sounds to abrupt and almost a little rude. she instead prefers to say "see you soon", no matter when the next time you will see each other. i like it.

Entry posted by byscuits at 02:35 PM | Comments (1)

carl junction

i moved to a little town in southwest missouri when i was 5 years old, leaving behind a best friend who would have no recollection of my existence 17 years later. it was just before halloween during kindergarten.

i again head home to that place, that house with the stream around back. i return to the house that once held four siblings, and now holds none. empty rooms, empty tombs. a tribute to the triumphs of innocence.

my parents await, eager to know more of this stranger they once held, so dear.

see you soon.

Entry posted by byscuits at 05:33 AM | Comments (0)

rainer maria rilke

a few people voiced concern over my last blog entry. i really appreciated that. life is a series of ups and downs, and last night was a pretty big down. but it was brought on because i hadnt spend time with God that day. there is so much going on in my life right now, i can hardly function a single day without going to Him. from todays qt:

psalm 16
(8) i have set the LORD always before me.
because He is at my right hand,
i will not be shaken.
(9) therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices:
my body also will rest secure,
(10) because You will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will You let your faithful one see decay.
(11) You have made known to me the path of life;
You will fill me with joy in Your presence,
with eternal pleasures at Your right hand.

so ive been thinking a bit lately about developing my writing a little more. maybe take a poetry class or something. i really enjoyed the one i took at mit, and its was pretty much what got me started.

inspired by adams comment on yesterdays blog, i decided to go pick up the book of hours: prayers to a lowly God by rainer rilke. this translation has both the english and the original german. i figured adam would appreciate that part. :)

oh, on a semi similar note, you need quicktime 6 to view the short films.

i also picked up a copy of elizabeth bishops collected poems. one of my favorites of hers is the moose. moby had a copy of the same book that i borrowed most of last year and never really got finished with.

and moby is gone. its not fun to see a really close friend leave for a long time. while i was hugging her goodbye, the thought running through my head was, "im not gonna see her for 6 months. suck." but email is a good thing. so are blogs. youre going to keep your blog up, right moby? :)

im gonna go read some rainer rilke now. then some more psalms, and some writing. i think qt's are the best time for me to write.

Entry posted by byscuits at 12:55 AM | Comments (0)

quick post

had a real good quiet time this morning. i love to read the psalms. ive also discovered that my qt is the best time to write. i finished a short one called "the night, the grave", and here is an excerpt of another one i am working on, inspired by psalm 16:

oh Lord, how long
will i persue
my own Death
oh Lord, how long
will i drink
libations of blood

the recent themes of death come from the metaphor of sin being death. dont worry, this last one will have a nice ending. i just really liked the phrase 'libations of blood,' which was taken directly from psalm 16. kind of creepy (sketch factor 5?), but i think it gives an accurately disgusting picture of how we destroy ourselves with our own appetite for sin.

okcu.

Entry posted by byscuits at 02:56 PM | Comments (1)

blah.

psychosomatic. thats me today. twice i have made myself physically sick to my stomach. and how i wont be able to fall asleep for a while. crap built up from last week made me sick today, and i missed church. and i just did something really stupid that i knew would be a bad idea. guess i should have known it would make me sick too. i still cant let go of what i know i should. time to force all thoughts out that i know dont belong, see if i can manage that. im sick of all this. do i get a do over?

i think im going to the reg day service at mit tomorrow, even though i know it may not be a wise thing. i really wanna see fred and mike do the music.

maybe being such an open book online is a stupid thing to do. votes? yours will count for one, my vote counts for infinitiy plus one. so there.

Entry posted by byscuits at 04:21 AM | Comments (0)