growing sentimentality

they sat near one another at the waters edge
ill say "they" because "we" is too hard to say
-waterdeep, down at the riverside

well, tomorrow is thanksgiving. and i dont get today or friday off. guess thats what i get for trying to be all adult and work a real job. a few of us at the house that are still around are going to make a big ole dinner tomorrow, complete with amateur turkey, various pies, and im gonna make sour cream smashed potatoes. tonight, i hope we can just veg out and watch some old episodes of smallville. and it just snowed a bunch today, so it really sounds like a blast to just curl up on the couch and watch tv under a nice warm blanket. just about the only thing to beat that is Someone to spent it with. :) but that will come eventually with time, so ill just be patient.

okay, time for another poll. what do you guys think, either theoretical or from experience, about dating someone of a totally different ethnic background. im not just talking different skin color here, im talking more someone who was raised in another culture. how do you think this effects the dynamic of the relationship?

and he told her what he'd come so far to tell her
with tears in her eyes she said "it can't be that way"
i left the ring down at the riverside
-waterdeep, down at the riverside

Entry posted by byscuits at 01:33 PM | Comments (3)

quiet house

if time is a healer
then all hearts that break
are put back together again
cause love heals the wound it makes
-eva cassidy

in case youve not noticed, most of the entries are shortened on the front page. click on the 'read the rest of blah' link for the whole entry.

this past weekend was kinda lonely, cause all of the full time staff at the wilson house went to a staff conference. they wont be back till some point on tuesday. makes the house a lot quieter, and i miss all the people being around. plus, i was kinda sick yesterday, so i missed church.

but still, things are great. the trip overseas is moving forward, and the first meeting went really well. already, we have heard amazing stories about God providing the finances needed. it is less than 5 weeks till we leave, and ive still got a ton to take care of. i still need to get my passport pictures taken, and sign a whole bunch of documents.

i got to talk to my brother matt for a couple of hours the other night after the east asia meeting. ive not really talked to him extensively for a really long time, so that was nice. he is going to be home for thanksgiving, but i wont, and ill be home for Christmas, but he wont. so it looks like we might miss each other this year, which is unfortunate. i dont get to see my immediate family all that much anymore. maybe one day ill move back to the midwest in order to be closer.

Entry posted by byscuits at 12:08 PM | Comments (3)

spontaneity and growing up

flashback to warm nights
almost left behind
a suitcase of memories
time after time
-eva cassidy, time after time

i dont know why some of you insist on thinking that yesterdays question was asked for a specific reason. but yes, 19 seems too young, and 34 seems a good bit too old. in all, you guys posted some very good advice. i think the final numbers i came up with are 20-30, but those are absolutely the max in either direction, including all special circumstances and such. you people are so suspicious.

we have our first training meeting tonight for the winter trip we are taking to east asia. i am helping to lead the team over, and this is the first time i have ever done something with this level of responsibility and so many people depending on me. i am pretty nervous about it all, so i would really appreciate your prayers during all this. as time goes on, i will post more requests. i might even be able to post here when we are overseas, too. i am very thankful to have such a competant person who is really leading the team, kim moreland. she led a team to berlin last summer, and has worked so hard to make this last minute trip a reality. pray that she doesnt get overwhelmed or burned out. :) we get to share our vision with the team tonight, and i am very excited about that. i expect this will be another pivotal experience in my life.

yay! i get a second pc at work. sometimes i have to run tests that go for 4+ hours, and it totally monopolizes my pc. so i have to sit here and find something to do. ugh. at least now i can get more work done. i am starting to enjoy this job a lot more, now that it is more varied. but the thought that the college days of yore might be over kind of makes me sad. if i have a regular job, there will be no more long road trips, no more freedom of schedule, and much less spontaneity. but that all comes with growing up, and its time that i did that.

okcu

Entry posted by byscuits at 10:57 AM | Comments (1)

too young, too old

okay, so i wanna know what you guys think. this is sort of a random question, but i want your feedback. so here it is:

what is the youngest and oldest acceptable age of someone that i should consider dating?

hopefully, those of you that know me well can enlighten me. ive heard some rules that are mathematical, but dont quite remember them. tomorrow, ill let you all know the numbers i was thinking, so be sure to check back.

Entry posted by byscuits at 09:51 AM | Comments (7)

subway girl

baby if you never got sick
i wouldnt get to hold you
-the wallflowers

when i was on the subway this morning, i caught a glimpse of this girls eyes. the rest of her face was obscured because of the crowded train, but i felt like i knew the eyes. i tried to think of who they reminded me of, but by then i could see the rest of her face, and the effect was lost. perhaps it was because i was listening to dashboard confessional at the time, but it got me thinking and sentimental, and in the mood to write. so there on the T, i took out my palm pilot, and started writing. my stop came up, and i had to get off. by the time i got to my cubicle, the thoughts were jumbled, and the words no longer fit together. but, in my head, it had a nice melancholy feel to it, like most of the stuff i write. just too bad i lost the feel. some music just puts me in a writing mood.

i was reading more on my personality type. it said that enfp's have a need to feel in touch with their emotions. i remember around my sophomore year in college, i just felt like i no longer had much in the way of emotions, and that i did not understand those that i did have. so i prayed that i would be able to feel things. out of that came my desire to write poetry in order to help process those feelings. so i took a poetry class at mit. really i have kept very little from that class, cause i mostly dont write to be clever or different, just to convey emotions, ideas, or experiences. im still pretty new at it, but head on over to the poetry section (yeah, thats the second plug for it), and leave some comments about what you think. you can make up a name and an email address if you want so they are anonymous. i just want to know peoples opinions.

i think i have to stop listening to dashboard confessional, unfortunately. it just reminds me of things that i would rather forget. i realized this as i was listening this morning, and was saddened. hopefully a new cd will be released soon, and i will be able to enjoy that one anew, without memories attached.

Entry posted by byscuits at 11:11 AM | Comments (2)

champion idealist?

things are going fantastically well in my life. i feel like my relationship with God is getting much more stable, and i am slowly making the changes i need to in my life. this past week alone has been an amazing experience. so, in a nutshell, my world is excellent.

a couple of days ago, i took the myers briggs personality test online. it turns out i am an enfp - (e)xtravert, i(n)tuitive, (f)eeling, (p)erceiving. i fall into the nf category, which is called the idealists, and enfp's are known more specifically as the champions. i suspect, tho, that could also be an entp, a rational inventor. what do you think?

Entry posted by byscuits at 02:23 PM | Comments (3)

doppelgangers and drew barrymore

this past weekend was great. i love where i live, and i love spending time with the people i live with. on friday night, after realLife, people came back to my place to watch tombstone, one of the greatest westerns of all time, imho. it was great to have people packed in my room, watching the movie. then on saturday, i went to see the new harry potsmoker, twice. it wasnt cause i especially liked the movie, just that people wanted to go see it at different times, and i wanted to hang out with those people. it was much better the second time around, and i probably would have enjoyed it more, had i read the book. the movie just seemed so lifeless, and without character, even moreso than the first potter. and sunday night was really cool. damian long, a guy living in the house that you cannot say enough good about, got baptized. afterwards, the house went out to this irish place called kennedys, nearby park street. again, i got to spend time with my housemates. i really love the house, and i would have a really hard time moving out, if i ever needed to. but i dont want to right now.

i was all excited about listening to a new eva cassidy album i ripped last night. kim moreland had the album and was listening to it on the way to church last night. i knew i recognized the voice, because i first heard her on an episode of smallville, singing cyndy lauper's 'time after time'. amazing. but alas, i forgot to charge my ipod, and the batteries were dead. i will have to wait till i get home tonight to listen to it. very sad indeed.

and now it is time to cover issues brought up about in the comments of my last blog:

to blume, yes you indeed have the definition i was thinking of for my 'doppelganger'. because this guy was somewhat like me, and was a total wraith, as you put it. i think you made him up in your mind to haunt and torment me at night. and thank you for saying he was goofier than me, i was beginning to worry.

andy, i believe you are correct about drew barrymore, julia roberts, and mr cusack when it comes to their overrated acting ability. however, they each have a way of starring in very charming movies. barrymore had ever after, cusack had a whole host of cute 80s movies, one crazy summer coming to mind. and for some reason, i happen to love julia roberts in notting hill.

and for travis, my good friend whom i grew up with and whose original nintendo i nearly wore out, i shall tell the tale of which you refer, for the benefit of others. the summer after my freshman year in high school, i went away to a summer camp. there was a girl there, named althea, who had all kinds of nice names for me. she had a very distinct southern drawl, and would often end our social interactions with something to the effect of 'you red headed (s)ucker'. if your imagination will allow you to replace the proper letter for the 's', add in a proper southern drawl, and get in an extra long vowel sound on (s)uuucker, you might be able to understand how amusing this nickname was, and perhaps why travis took off running with it. just a hint, never tell travis anything personal, as he will pick the worst time to bring it out, in front of other people. and he will make fun of you for years. i kid you not, he still teases me about stuff i said when i was like 9. and travis still occasionally refers to me as the edited version of this name. :)

also last night someone was reading over my blog, and asked me about the story behind the connotation that the word 'pensive' has to me, allued to in my last blog entry. and yes, as someone else guessed, it has to do with a girl, as most good stories do. occasionally, i get in a more thoughtful mood, mulling over things in my life, and things about myself. it is quite easy to tell when i am in this mood, as i have never been able to disguise my emotions. so there was this girl. her name was nichole. she had known me for a short time, and managed to figure me out rather quickly. so once she saw me in this state, and said to me, 'dave looks pensive.' she said this every time she saw me in deep thought, so that word always brings back that time for me. turns out, there was nothing really special about the connection we shared. she is able to figure everyone out that quickly, it wasnt just me. and i have never met anyone more aware of who other people are on the inside. she understood other people so well, but understood herself so little. i hope she is doing okay... but yeah. thats what 'pensive' means to me.

Entry posted by byscuits at 11:57 AM | Comments (2)

stinking burritos

things may always stay they way they are
but still my head looks for a change from time to time

i am in a surprisingly pensive* mood this morning. usually its late at night before i get like this. just a lot of things ive been thinking about last night i guess.

i have great friends, btw. i am constantly amazed by how cool and encouraging my they are.

blume told me a while back that there was this guy around bu that hangs out at the espresso something or other coffee shop. blume said he looks like me, sounds like me, and has similar manorisms, and apparently he hangs around the coffee shop pretty often. so last night i randomly called her, and she happened to be at the coffee shop. she said the guy was there, so i decided to book it over there. my roommate tossed me his key, and i jumped in the jetta. 20 minutes later (would have been faster, but i really dont know boston) i was at the coffee shop sitting next to blume and her friend sue. i looked around the room for my doppleganger, and saw this guy. i looked at him. he had red hair, and a slightly receeding hair line, just like me. he had a beard. then i just observed him for a bit. he had very animated facial expressions, his voice carried very well, and he seemed to have a pretty strong personality. so far, i guess thats like me.

but after i watched him for a while, i decided that he doesnt look enough like me or act enough like me to be my twin. blume and sue insist that he does, but they are clearly wrong (yeah, you know you are).

after the place closed last night at midnight, we dropped in to kats place. 4 of us hung out and chatted for like 2 hours. it was a blast. i miss doing stuff like that. and for a while the ratio was 4 girls to one guy, which is the golden ratio for girls really acting like girls. it seems in my experience any time the ratio is at least 4-1, that gender will start acting like the other gender is not present. you can get an insight into what it is like to be a female. tho it seems like blume was holding back a little. :)

anyways, i really miss that kind of thing in college. it was around 11pm when i got word from blume about this guy, and i dropped everything and just went. i love being spontaneous like that. and it was soo much fun. i think ill have to do that once a week or so.

and i had a really good time in prayer last night. i committed to pray for some people every day, and the list keeps getting bigger. its awesome, because i can see things being changed. every once in a while, i get really reminded about how important prayer is. im glad things are getting better in that respect.

ok, its time for a rant. i am really ticked off about this. so the guys at the wilson house where i live have been trying to do nice anonymous things for the girls in the house. we got flowers and chocolates for jen when she had surgery, we did their house chores one week, and have done and are planning other assorted things. once we make tea for a girl from florida named liz. it was brewed and labeled in the fridge as something like 'sweet tea for sweet liz'. all of us guys were involved in the project, and she was totally excited about it, mentioning how it must have been someone who really knew how to make sweet tea. heh. we didnt have a clue. she had mentioned good sweet tea in the past, and we have been trying listen to the girls and be thoughtful with the things we do. twice liz also mentioned this place in florida called burrito brothers. this place will actually ship the burritos anywhere you want via fedex. so we placed an order, and they were to arrive yesterday. i was all excited heading home, because i was the one who got to place the actual order. i got home, and she was already gone, but i heard about just how excited she was, and how she was on the rampage to find out who had done it. i was assured by the burrito brothers that they would be careful with what information was included, because this was supposed to be anonymous. so i came home really late after being at bu, and found a note in the kitchen thanking whoever had the burritos sent. it was signed by her, and then there was a ps. it said something like 'dave, next time you want something to be anonymous, make sure not to include your phone number'. DANG IT! they said they needed a phone number, but they didnt say it would be on the box! apparently fedex wont ship without a phone number. bah. it ruined my night. cause now she thinks i was entirely responsible. ive never been entirely responsible in my life! she couldnt leave it alone, she had to find out who did it.

because of this, i am going to provide helpful hints for those who have had something done for them anonymously:

1) let it go. clearly the person who did this wanted it to be anonymous. otherwise, they would have included their name.
2) i can understand the need to know, so if you absolutely cannot let it go, go ahead and try to find out. but if you do find out because the person was somehow careless, do not let them know that you have found out.

okay, so it didnt really ruin my night and i am not all that ticked off about it. but i certainly was crestfallen... took a lot of the joy out of it.

*maybe ill explain sometime soon the connotation that word has for me.

Entry posted by byscuits at 10:44 AM | Comments (3)

three ways

theres 3 ways out of every box
fall out the bottom
or you crawl out the top

since it looks pretty sure that i will be getting an extension on my contract here, i figure its time to see how much i can get paid back in loans and debt by the time i start school. i also want to have enough saved up so that i can go to school and finish in a semester, if i so choose.

i also found out that one of the positions that is opening up would be a 2-3 year commitment. my boss wanted to know if i would be willing to take just one class a semester, and continue to work. that actually sounds like the best option to me, even though that means it would take 2 years to finish my degree. maybe i could even start in the spring to get a head start. that would be amazing, because i understand that there is also the possibility that they could pay for classes. which would offset the hours i wouldnt be working. and i can stay in the states for a while longer, and gain more work experience. but if i were to say yes, i would really be making a long term commitment. sounds like excellent job security too...

so instead of sotm (see older blog) i am going to have aotm (album of the moment), since i really listen to albums instead of single songs. right now, my aotm is by the wallflowers, and is their most recent release, 'red letter days'. the music is amazing, but slightly dark. the above quote is from the song 'three days'.

okay, so its time for the obligatory daily link. i am going to post some of the oddest things i have seen around the web. the link of the day comes through the esteemed ryan pierce, who posted this on our fantasy football league page
talk about living in fear...

if any of you guys have suggestions for the obligatory daily link, make sure to post a comment.

Entry posted by byscuits at 11:31 AM

wait and hope

so i start a lot of paragraphs with the word 'so'. i think i shall have to stop that.

i found out recently that 2 people in my group at work are going to be leaving at the end of the year. it looks like they want me to move up 2 spots into a totally new role, with tons more responsibility, and more work. i would even get to do a lot of the work in unix! they are looking into extending my contract, and it would be a position that they would want me to stay in for possibly up to 2 years! i would have interesting work again, for a while anyways. the position is repetitive after a while, but as long as i am busy, i dont know that i will mind very much. i kind of enjoy tedious work. i might even be able to finish school part time while working there. ill have to wait until i become more valuable, then maybe i can see what can be worked out. but i dont want to get too comfortable (so easy with this job), because i know i belong somewhere else. both geographically, and spiritually speaking.

i was inspired by helena fu's blog entry for today. she says

we would be better off ... with more courage :)

she is referring to guys having a little guts and being up front with what they feel about a girl.

but i must say, its hard, being on the other side of things. i know its gotta be hard to shut a guy down after expressing interest, but it seems more tragic to me to be that guy. because i have been that guy. many, many times. i know that being up front is the right thing to do, so i do it. its just that most every time ive done it, things have gotten real weird real quick. i know some of thats me, but ive had girls completely wig out. and after a while experience tells me that having that courage will cost something. it was easy the first time i did it, because i didnt know what i was doing.

but its not all my fault. sometimes a girl just doesnt like me that way. nothing i can do about it. sometimes the timing is all off. she might be interested, but for one reason or another it just cant work out. again, nothing i can control.

the more i live, the more i see, that most of my life is out of my control. but i will still be honest and up front. i will trust that God has something great for me, and that i just need to wait on it.

one of my favorite books, the count of monte cristo (dont watch the movie. they messed it all up, and didnt even get the point) ends with something interesting. the main character is addressing a pair of newlyweds (iirc) that he helped get together. after spending his life being consumed by revenge, and trying to act as God's judgement, he arrives at the following conclusion:

Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget that until the day when God shall deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is summed up in these words, -- 'Wait and hope.'

Your friend,
Edmond Dantes,
Count of Monte Cristo.

live, then, and be happy. wait and hope. sounds good to me.

Entry posted by byscuits at 11:37 AM

lotr and regrets

tonight at my place, we are showing the extended release of fellowship of the ring. its a 4 hour ordeal, so we are starting at 5 pm, and trying to get it done in time for the 9pm smallville. there is an extra 30-40 minutes of footage in this release, so i am really stoked. if you want to come over tonight, feel free to give me a call and head on over. we probably have room for 3-4 more people.

so there is a quote from the movie chariots of fire. it is the sunday that eric liddel is sitting out from running. someone asks him if he has any regrets about not running because it is sunday. he replies something to the effect of "sure i have regrets. but i dont have any doubts". thats the way to life your life. you can always ask 'what if', and wonder about what could or should have been. asking 'what if' just doesnt do any good.

i have plenty of regrets. i just dont want to have any doubts.

so ive got the basic functionality working with movable type. its ugly as all get out right now, but it works. the poetry page needs the most work, but the journal looks okay. it was pretty easy to import all the old entries from blogger. the new site is already designed in my head, and now its just a matter of having the time to get it done.

im planning on adding a database of all of my movies and games, along with some sort of rating system, and comment feedback. it will probably involve hacking the movable type scripts, and adding some extra database fields.

Entry posted by byscuits at 10:39 AM | Comments (1)

movable type installed

well, i got movable type installed on the server, so i should be able to import and arrange the previous blogs, as well as importing the poetry. so i think i will have at least four different blog pages: a page of all the poetry i feel comfortable sharing, a journal, photos with descriptions, and perhaps a musings page -- things i think i have learned in life with some degree of certainty (it will be a very short page). the most frequently updated page will be the journal, which should have around 5 a week. so, if you want to know what is going on in the life of mr david r gandy, make sure to check back here often.

this past weekend was pretty fun. a bunch of people came over saturday and we played some 'lord of the rings: the two towers' video game. it has extra footage from the upcoming movie interspersed thoughout the levels as you move along, and its really fun to play. any time someone would die, we would pass it down the line for someone else to play.

i got greg nelson hooked on trigun this past week too. it is my favorite anime series to date, for various reasons. it also has the most Christian references i have ever seen in any form of japanese art. greg got so hooked, that he watched all 26 of the 25 minute episodes in 3 days. not bad. :)

yesterday afternoon i got to watch the first episode of season 2 of 24. the plot for this season isnt quite as good as last season, and seems a little contrived. its all about terrorists setting of a nuclear bomb in los angeles. i know the show will be good, but it just seems to be playing a little too much on peoples fears.

dang im tired. i need to get more sleep... this morning was no fun waking up. i hate it when you are in the middle of a really cool dream, and the alarm rips you out of it. i remember so few dreams, and the really good ones are rare. and i dont even remember much from this mornings dream at all, i just know it was nice. it doesnt take much to make me really happy. what i do remember is that the dream was just me enjoying the company of a girl i apparently have a thing for, and she enjoying my company. dreams dont get much better than that.

a really good friend once described me as 'secretly sentimental'. i dont really know how much of a secret it is. but i guess i only figured it out myself a couple of years ago. its amazing how little we can know about ourselves.

Entry posted by byscuits at 12:41 PM

its late. or maybe its early...

realLife was really cool tonight, and i feel like God spoke to me about a lot of stuff. this january, there will be a mission trip with ccC that ive decided to go on. i want to spend my life in the mission field, and i have felt called overseas since i was 12. this will be my second trip over the pacific, and i am looking forward to it with a little trepidation. one piece of advice i wish i had known before going on a mission trip is as follows: your worst character flaws will come glaring out at you. in an environment like that, they always do. so this time i am a little wary, because i remember what happened last time. for 3 weeks, the rest of the team got to see the worst of me. so at least i know to pray for that now, and try to work on those things. part of that was self discipline and responsibility, which i have had problems with my whole life. so i should start now, and just go to bed.

night, night.

Entry posted by byscuits at 04:00 AM

moved!

well, it looks like the transfer went well. and you should have been automagically forwarded here if you came from my original site. i slightly retouched up the web pages, and tried to make things a bit more consistent.

i havent got the new blog interface up and running yet, but it should be a very big increase in functionality. all of the blogs and poetry will be complete with the ability to comment on them. i would really like to hear what people have to say about my poems especially. like ive said before, a lot of myself has been put into them.

taking a page from helena fu, i am starting to be aware of my 'song(s) of the moment', or henceforth, sotm. ive got a few right now, because ive got two great new albums. the first, which ive mentioned, is by ben kweller, whose concert i went to last saturday. there are two songs i really like on this album, and here are some excerpts of the lyrics:

in other words

the butterlflies
are passive aggressive
and put their problems
on the shelf
but theyre beautiful

and here relies
the only thing thats real
are the kids that kid themselves
and the demise of the beautiful
what is beautiful?

the lyrics are a little nebulous here, but i like them. the passive aggressive butterflies pose a great image, and 'the demise of the beautiful' is a great way to put the idea that beauty fades.

falling

i dont
feel like im falling
no i dont
feel like im falling
no i dont
feel like im falling
down
to say hello to the ground

trees fall
and so do men
even the walls
start caving in
and you feel like
theres no
pretending for you

somehow, ben kweller manages to remind me a lot of keith green, not in lyrics, but in musical style. both use heavy piano, and a voice that makes listening a necessity. this particular song has been my favorite on the album since the first time i heard it. 'trees fall and so do men'. i hear that one...

the new wallflowers album came out on tuesday. since ive been so smitten with the other album, ive not listened to this one nearly as much as i normally would have, but ive listened enough to know the songs i really like. the lead singer, jakob dylan, is the son of better known bob dylan, just an fyi. :) gnelson described the group yesterday as 'dark', and i would agree with that assertion. on their previous album 'breach', there is a song called 'hand me down' that is just about the saddest song ive ever heard. if you wanna know what im talking about, pick up a copy off of your favorite file sharing app. the song on the newest album, 'red letter days' is

health and happiness
now maybe its not i dont care anymore
now maybe i just never did
you cant say that i have ever lied
because i kept the truth well hid

now tell me whats wrong?
theres something wrong

you keep it sad
and something you have never had
well suddenly feels gone

i wish you health
i wish you happiness
but absolutely nothin else

now thats just plain cruel. the song has this really slow feel to it, and the first time i heard it before i listened to the lyrics, i really liked it. after i listened, i was blown away. thats just an awful situation to think about. no matter what a relationship was or was not, thats just not right to act that way to anyone. the sad thing is, people really think this way. something i wrote a while back says what i feel:

the more i see
the less i love
the structure of this space

aimless men
rendering lives
confused in time and place

the same conclusion solomon came to. meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless.

Entry posted by byscuits at 11:23 AM

moving

i worked last night on the new web site. i will be abandoning the blogger interface, and will be installing the more flexible movable type on my brand spanking new hosting account. looks like it is up and running today. if you are looking for hosting, i highly recommend the folks over at westhost, mostly because their prices are good, they run linux, give you an ssh account, and just have a nice interface in general. ive been using them for a while now with southwest machine, a company ive been webmasting/network adminning for the past 4 or 5 years now. that site uses mysql and php for the backend. very easy to use. now that i have bored about 97.37% of you (thats one in 38 interested people), it is time to move on.

i was going to be heading out to LA for thanksgiving, but i tried to get tickets too late. at the end of october, the best price i could find was around $800. if my contract doesnt get extended at the end of the year, then i spend that chunk of money to go home to LA for a couple of weeks. if you get a chance, check out my chuch in LA: mosaic. they meet in a night club in downtown los angeles on sunday nights, and it was the main reason i moved out there to begin with.

i had a hard time falling asleep last night. some people say you never know what you have until it is gone. i say you dont know what you are missing till you have it. this past summer was a lot of fun. it was the first time i had a serious dating relationship. and just like all other relationships, this one wasnt perfect, but i sure did enjoy it. and i couldnt fall asleep because i realized yet again how much i missed that. just having Someone. it was really nice.

so i prayed. its always good to be able to give those desires over to God. and while there is nothing wrong with having a romantic relationship, quite the opposite in fact, they can be idolatrous. trying to fill that hole that only God can fill with a human being can never work, and expecting them to fill that hole is totally unfair to them.

Entry posted by byscuits at 11:48 AM

fine perfume

last night i finished watching the tv series 24 on dvd. i must say, that is some of the best writing, acting, plot, and character development i have ever seen on television. they even had the guts to give it a real ending. so now i will start on my two taped episodes from season two. yeah, im addicted.

right now i am working on getting my own domain set up so i can move my web page there. it should be at byscuits.com, but give me a week or so to set it up. all my old blog entries here will find their way there. i think i will also set up some kind of an online forum for my friends back home in missouri, and possibly some other fun random coding projects. if my job ends in december like it is slated to, ill have plenty of free time. would be nice to take a month or so off. much more than that and i would start to feel lazy and useless.

in case you havent had a chance, feel free to check out my poetry page. when the new site is up and running, it will be converted to blog format, where people will be able to leave comments. i have written about a lot of deep experiences in my life, and a good number of them have been posted. most of the poetry is kinda sad, but that is just because i cant write that well yet. writing sad poetry is really pretty easy, mostly because it is so easy to feel sad and depressed. i think a real challenge is to capture positive emotions and memories. it is so rare to honestly feel happy, and usually when you are happy, you dont want to be wasting your time writing about it. you want to enjoy it. :) very little of my happy poetry has been posted, because i cannot figure out how to not make it sound giddy. every time i read some of that stuff, i just imagine that big stupid grin that ewan mcgregor has on his face during most of moulin rouge. its a nice grin to be able to have.

i think i will use this space to write about what ive been learning. from life, from God, from friendships, from relationships. from any kind of experience, you can always take away something -- to learn something. the problem lies in what you decide to learn. you can chose to see things in all kinds of ways, but i find that i sometimes jade my own world by believing whatever makes my reality easier. like things with girls. there was a girl i was crazy about that i liked and pursued for nearly 3 years. at one point when things werent going well, when she wasnt interested, i decided that the reason that she didnt go for me was entirely because of the way i went about informing her of my interest (i tend to be pretty up front with women about these things, and prematurely make things messier than they need to be). instead of believing the more difficult reality - that she just plain didnt really like me - i chose to cling to the idea that there was something that i could have done differently. that things were somehow in my control. in truth, very little of our lives are ever in our control.

so there was this guy that lived a few thousand years ago. his name was solomon, and he wrote a book of the Bible called Ecclesiastes. here is an excerpt from one of the passages:

Ecclesiastes 7

1 A good name is better than fine perfume, and the day of death better than the day of birth.
2 It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting,
for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart.
3 Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart.
4 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.
5 It is better to heed a wise man's rebuke than to listen to the song of fools.
6 Like the crackling of thorns under the pot, so is the laughter of fools. This too is meaningless.

earlier in Ecclesiastes 1:18, he even says:
18 For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief.

according to the Bible, solomon was the wisest human that will ever live on this earth. im not talking about knowledge, im talking wisdom. i once heard wisdom defined as "the art of living life to the full". if solomon understood the art of living so well, why was he so full of sadness, so seemingly lacking in joy? i dont fully know the answer by any means, but i think i know a little of his sorrow. solomon had it all. wealth, understanding, a kingdom, anything he wanted. he was even considered fit to be the one to build the dwelling place of God on earth - The temple. for a good part of his life, he did the art of living really well, and was rewarded by God. but somewhere along the way he started to get a little off. 1 Kings 11 talks about how solomon had 700 wives, all royalty. and if they didnt live up to his desires, he had another 300 concubines. i dont claim to understand the inner workings of a normal marriage these days, but i cant imagine them being harder than that. so many people to care for, so many opinions to listen to. a lot of these women didnt know the hebrew God, and followed their own. 1 kings 11:4 says:

As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the LORD his God, as the heart of David his father had been.

he started listening to people who didnt even Know the one true God (deut 6:4). now i dont want to get into women bashing here, but i am male. i understand the weakness men have for women. and selling a birthright is nothing compared to what most men would do for their women. and im sure that it wasnt an overnight process either here in this verse. it takes a while to go wrong. its in that slow beating down that sin gets us. solomon gave in to the desires of his women, and did the things he deeply knew to be wrong. he went out, and tried it all. and in the end, all he found was sorrow. he turned his trust away from the God he knew to be his Father, and looked to earthly things. i think one of those sources of sorrow was the happiness he tried to find in those women. i dont wanna be like that, but i do undertand my own weakness. i also understand that in my weakness, through Christ i am made strong:

2 Corinthians 12
10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

my life must revolve around Him, not me. not so simple...

Entry posted by byscuits at 12:20 PM | Comments (1)

random writings

here is an excerpt of something i wrote a couple of nights ago.

i dont think i feel the pain
its been so long
because pain has to feel
like something
and this
is nothing
a hole
shaped like you

Entry posted by byscuits at 02:41 PM

first blog!

well, it looks like this is my first blog. i will be using this space to publish thoughts, rants, and a bit of poetry. guess itll serve as a journal too.

this past weekend one of my friends from high school came into town. we were sorta rivals back then. funny how i spent so much time thinking about it all back then. now, who really cares? who cares who did better? who cares who may or may not be smarter? of course, i may not care quite as much since he pretty much beat me on 'who did better'. he is at yale now starting a phd in computer science. and i have yet to finish my undergrad. :)

okay, so time for an odd small world kinda story. one of my friends from bu was going to be going to a concert of some guy that i had never heard of. i knew phil would be in town, and we might need something to do saturday night, so i said we would tag along. blume described him as 'folky' or something like that. when phil got into town, he asked me if i had anything to do on saturday night. i said i had something planned that we could do, but it was tentative. he said that one of his friends that would also be in town had gotten tickets to a show on saturday night (funny, cause 'show' is the word blume used too) if i wanted to go. he said that he had never heard of the guy, but that it was something like 'folk'. here at this point i started to wonder just how small this world is... then he said the guys name, and it was the same one that blume was wanting to go see, ben kweller.

so we all went to the concert. amazing music, which i would recommend to anyone. some of the lyrics are mildly objectionable, but there is this quality about his voice that i love listening to.

the wallflowers new album came out today. ill start listening to it when i get the chance.

one of the girls in the wilson house (place i live, ill find a link to it later) is having surgery today. im getting off work to go see her, along with the rest of the guys in the house. im gonna pick up a couple dozen sunflowers from winstons to bring over that way. im told they are her favorite, so we will see how she reacts.

looks like im gonna be emcee again this friday for realLife. ive done it twice before, and the first time was awful. i dont know what it was, but i was just totally nervous. my brain knew that it wasnt a big deal at all, but for some reason my body decided not to cooperate. so when i am up there reading something, my hands started shaking more and more. very annoying. the second time i did it was much better, tho. timing on the jokes was much better, and i was just more comfortable in general with it all. i got some very positive feedback afterwards, so that was cool. now i gotta prepare some material for this friday. maybe ill post some of the stuff ive done in the past. its mostly a combination of ripped of jokes from the internet and some of my own improvements.

i wonder who will actually read this thing...

Entry posted by byscuits at 11:17 AM